Soo, my birthdays in three days. Yea, I'm excited but I got to thinkin about different things. Like how things never turn out how you plan. Like one minute you have your whole life planned out and everything, and then you change your mind..Like you are thinking totally differently than you did a month before..

I have just recently understood the reality that your life can change in a blink of an eye.. I mean I have known that things always change but its never hit me as hard as now.

It seems like I have always been in a hurry to grow up, to just start my life, like i have been going nowhere fast. but now looking back i miss the days before all that. Back then we didn't worry about life or where we were going or where we were gonna be in the next year or how things would turn out, we just lived life by the day, trying not to be bored, not considering what could happen or anything.. We had a lot of fun, and we weren't burdened with all kinds of worthless worries like we are now.. You know looking back now those were the best days of my life. Now im just trying to find a way back to that or even a glimpse of how things were.

I keep fighting the inevitable, which is that my life is changing. Every part of it, the people the environment... And all I keep thinking is that I'm running out of time..It's like, I've spent the majority of my childhood trying to grow up, on becoming an adult. But now that I'm closer to being an actual adult, I want to be a teenager again. I want to...live, before all the responsibilities and burdens of being an adult interfere with that...

And now I feel like I'm going to cry because of all that I've missed out on in life. I'm not scared of growing up, It's just..now I'm being rushed to it, and I'm not ready anymore. I used to be, but now I'm not...I want to go back to those carefree days...especially now that I remember very clearly what they were like.

and now, all those stupid decisions and mistakes I made when I was younger are looked at differently. Everyone expects a more mature person now, but, I've been too responsible and mature for too long. I remember what it was like before, and I..I want that back..I want my old friends back..I want our crazy parties, our late night runs, our laughs, our talks..I want it all back..

You guys don't understand how different I was then, and how different life was..Even though there was still a lot of bullshit and drama and pain, none of that mattered then, because I had my friends to lean on, to have a good time with and forget about all that..and now..theres no time for fun, cuz im too busy growing up!!


Does it make me a bad person to want all that back? Am I wrong? Should I ignore all that I yearn for, and continue growing up? What's so fucking great about being an adult anyway?!?!?

I dont think i will have any answers to my questions any time soon.. I guess all that comes with age and experience..But I do know that I am going to have to grow up sooner than I want, and no one likes being alone and I keep thinking that I want someone to rescue me but i know that i have to do that myself. I want to be strong and independent but everybody needs a friend once in awhile right?